I listened to a message recently by Graham Cooke, a favourite of mine, where he talks about being able to ask God, in the midst of a spiritual attack or difficulty, “Who do You want to be for me in this situation?”
I like to walk early in the mornings before breakfast, to pray and have a conversation with God, committing my day to Him. I use the time to listen…quiet my mind and just listen. After a blustery weekend with winds that made walking in bushland dangerous, this particular morning was sunny and still.
I have found a track into the bush near our home with a small clearing that has become my sanctuary under the open sky, surrounded by scrubby bush and frequented by finches that observe me from the branches. It’s beautiful.
This morning, I was feeling a bit down. Things I’d been praying for just had not eventuated and in my humanness, was struggling to contain my disappointment. I asked God who he wanted to be for me today and what aspect of His character, His nature, did He want me to meditate on. As I began to pray quietly The Lord’s Prayer, I saw myself as a little girl…in checked woollen pants 6 inches too short, an old misshapen knitted jumper, my hair cut short and untidy, my front tooth not quite yet dislodged and jutting out…a dishevelled, awkward little soul.
In this image, I was running towards “Papa”….His arms wide and welcoming, a broad smile on His face and kind laughing eyes. He bent and swooped me up into His arms, laughing, and I snuggled in for comfort. He sat me on His knee and held me close while we talked together.
I began to weep, tears flowing down my cheeks, soaking my shirt. I didn’t bring enough tissues. I wasn’t prepared for this at all! I felt so overwhelmingly loved in that moment…that gawky kid who had been shuffled off to relative’s places to stay for extended periods. One of 6 kids at that time it has been told that these times away were in my best interests.
That was who He showed me this morning…The Loving Father…my loving Father and a heart-place no earthly father could fill.
It was not a distressing time. My tears were healing tears in a realisation of my deep childlike sadness for a father who was incapable, because of his own brokenness, to love me as a father ought and a forgiveness towards him. The peace that flowed from that was the sense of God’s unconditional and overarching love and acceptance. I was held in absolute joy as my child self. I felt safe, seen, free.
I walked home feeling God had my hand…that warmth and security to take me through the day. I recently heard a song called “You matter to me” sung by a father & daughter duet. I heard that song in the context of this blog post. To know that I matter to The Almighty and that the Sovereign God loves me, is extraordinary and on those days when I’m not feeling it, I sing this to remind myself.
“How deep the Father’s love for us…how vast, beyond all measure”
Ephesians 3:18 “And may you be able to feel and understand, as all God’s children should, how long, how wide, how deep, and how high His love really is, and to experience this love for yourselves, though it is so great that you will never see the end of it or fully understand it. And so at last you will be filled up with God Himself”.