So here I am in the waiting…
I have a sense the Holy Spirit is brooding over me in this darkness I find myself in. Its not a new concept. I think many have written before me on this topic of change and growth all having their beginnings in darkness. In Genesis 1:2 the Bible says “the earth was without form and void and darkness was upon the face of the deep. The Spirit of God was moving over the face of the waters.”
This suggests a creative intention.
Germination of plants happens in the depths of the dark soil, conception and growth all happen in darkness. We tend to equate darkness with inactivity, doom and gloom when in fact it’s a place of brooding…of potential.
As I write this I’m taken back to my memories of my pregnancies…in the years before 3D ultrasounds, when it was all about the mystery. The discovery of a new life forming within me…the anticipation and excitement…..the awe and wonder. At first there is little evidence of the fact (I was lucky to have escaped the morning sickness!) As the months progress, others see growth, but I could feel it. In the darkness God was creating a life, a story entwined with my own. I loved the child sight unseen. My imaginations were stirred, and I held that child in my arms before I had even seen it, even without a previous experience of having birthed. So even in a time of darkness there can be anticipation.
We used to play a game together when I was home-schooling the kids. One would be blindfolded and the others would scramble around the kitchen gathering tasty…and not-so-tasty morsels ( as only siblings would) …as well as utensils or Knick knacks to be handed over for the guessing .All senses were available to the blindfolded one bar sight. To add to the disorientation, there would be some guiding around the house and being turned quickly before being seated for the presenting. It was all a bit of fun, although not when you were on the receiving end of something gross conjured by the inspiration of Roald Dahl’s “George”, in his book “George’s Marvellous Medicine”. In this instance of darkness, one could be forgiven for having a sense of foreboding, depending on who was the administrator.
I was reminded of this this week. How vulnerable we are when we can’t see. We are limited to and totally reliant on, feel, sensations, perceptions and trust.
Yet in this place of uncertainty is learning. You have no light to guide you. You must listen for guidance, feel your way, discern whether what you are being told is trustworthy, go with your gut, trust your source, dream, move forward in expectation.
I find myself in the darkness…in a place of uncertainty. It is a place dominated by fear, vulnerability, powerlessness. All these emotions and sensations are palpable and, in the moment, terrifying as I am subjected to invasive tests, unfavourable results and disappointment in the face of my long-held belief I had been healed completely. It is disorientating and unsettling.
So here I sit, in the Day Infusion Ward commencing treatment for the return of breast cancer. This is not a place I envisaged being in again. So certain of God’s healing grace, I was, as I walked away from treatment and surgery this time last year. I was deep in prayer and in the Word. All of God’s promises for healing were, to my mind, clear for me and while I prayed continually and declared His promises, I battled crippling anxiety attacks. I prayed for healing and God did heal me…first from fear, then anxiety, then unforgiveness, then disappointment and on it went.
One step at a a time…one trait surrendered then another. I was challenged by God as to how I viewed Him and His love for me and how I responded to that love. He is a good Father. It was a difficult realisation that I did not understand love at all. My upbringing had not fostered love that in any way reflected what I was reading and hearing in the Bible. I was a striver, a people pleaser so “love “was something earned. This was new and confronting and confusing. I found I did not know how to receive. That screws with trust. Suspicion, withdrawal, a lack of understanding of what is required of me plagues my thoughts. What do I need to do? On more than one occasion I’ve been drawn to John 6:29. Jesus told them, “This is the only work God wants from you. Believe in the One He has sent”.
Graham Cooke is a pastor I found on YouTube. He does a Prophetic Soaking experience on God’s favour…a meditation of God speaking of His love and intentionality. As I listened, tears just streamed down my face. It spoke of complete surrender to His intentionality…His desire for my life and the challenge of my willingness to say “yes” to that desire by whatever means He chooses. …surrender to His creative intention. With no real understanding of the processes involved but a new and somewhat nervous surrender to this God who claims to love me, I said yes. I just knew and said as much…I can’t go back. I didn’t want to go back to the person I was before. I have experienced real change in my life, my attitudes, my approach and responses to circumstances and events.
As I have released, bit by bit, this is where I now find myself…in the darkness….back to face my giant, to surrender all I railed against, to let go of control of the processes and obsessions of diets and alternative treatments, to step, albeit tentativley…and trust that God loves me and will meet all my needs. That means a belief in His absolute love for me and a trust that He knows more than I do about my needs in this moment.
Here are the 2 trees… Do I believe that God is good? Do I trust that He is the source of all my needs? I have a choice to rest in the knowledge and faith in God, my Father…the good good God who will be with me through it all…. or become bitter and blame Him for my predicament? I mean, that’s what we do…right? I have all the healing promises written out and declare them faithfully and with conviction. I believe it when the Jesus says, “Ask anything in my Name and I will do it”. So why then am I here? Is God still good even when He says “No”?
I am back to my determination to show God can be taken at His Word. I need to prove this for myself. I am not completely in the dark…and if ever I was walking in the valley of the shadow of death…this is it but I’m not walking by my sight thankfully. God can see well ahead where I cannot, so I trust His timing; I declare His promises of healing over myself; I believe in miracles. What I do know is that I’m back here because He has put me here. Don’t get me wrong…I am struggling with the concept. I’ve spent many an hour on my knees asking for understanding but am taking a step at a time to try to be faithful and trust. I don’t like it. I don’t understand it. But I’m told to “Rejoice. Have no anxiety about anything. Pray with thanksgiving .Then I’m given this….
I listened to a sermon by Steven Furtick titled “Need Meeters” based on Paul’s letter to the Philippians 4:19 “My God will supply all you needs according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”
He speaks of God using our “need” by placing us in the situation of that need…to bring about the fulfilment of someone else’s need. It’s not about me…yet I will be blessed in it. That’s a tough place to be when it feels like it should be all about me. It requires me to shift my focus. My mission…should I choose to accept it….is to be a reflection of Christ in this place where hope can fail. We are called to use, in our circumstances, whatever we’ve been given creatively and gifted.
In a moment of bravery, I thought…ok…I make cards. So I took some cards with me expecting to have the opportunity to gauge the room, see the need, or be led to a need…and found myself placed in a private room, screened off for 3 hours for the duration of my treatment and I had the cannula in my right hand so couldn’t write. Resigned to the idea that today was not the day, we left. I made eye contact with a woman in the waiting room as I left. We smiled at each other, but hers was a polite smile as she waited for her treatment…her head scarf testament to the chemo she was having… and as I got in the lift, I kicked myself mentally at the missed opportunity to gift her with a little encouragement, but I had not completed the card with a verse or text. Note to self…always be ready! I pray the recognition in the eye contact and the smile was at least something…a knowing.
As I left the clinic, I was still feeling ok, then the pain started on the trip home…an indication the treatment was in full swing and as the evening progressed, my “I can do all things through Christ” attitude flagged and I was tearful and asking God to free me from this. David asked God often why He was in the situations he was in and complained to God. If he could do it, surely God can hear it from me! The roller coaster of faith, emotions, will. I will to be strong, brave, invincible but truth have it, I’m more often not. So to what or whom do I turn for help?
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” Phillippians 4:13 Great verse to cling to. I am finding singing an enormous boost to the morale. Its amazing to me how my mind just switches to an old timely hymn in my moments of greatest need. Thank you Holy Spirit! My Prompter.
I have no idea of God’s plan other than He will use whatever circumstances I’m in as long as I remain open, willing and obedient to the Spirit’s leading. I pray I am and will be given wisdom and understanding by the Spirit as I need it and be given God’s eyes…His perspective, taking the focus off myself and look for ways and means to shine a little light on someone else’s day from a place of real empathy. More than that even….I pray for the guts, the tenacity, His Divine strength in my weakness to “stand still and see the victory the Lord on my behalf”…to show my kids and anyone else looking on that, in the words of Steven Furtick…I’m stationed…not stuck and it’s not the end of the story. Its not over. I just need to be faithful in the situation in which I’m planted and trust Him to see me through.
For He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it.” Philippians 1:6